Wednesday, November 26, 2003

SPECIAL FEATURE

Criminal Sabotage Expert.. Recruited by the Arctic Republic...
KING PENGUIN



(Face blurred to protect identity against identification by seals)

Name: King Penguin .

AKA : Demolitions Penguin. Commander of 3rd Guards Company.

Age: 29

Rank: Demolition Expert. Commander of the 3rd Guards Company. Honorary Member of the Penguin High Council

Place of Birth : Some where in the Southern Hemisphere.

Favourite Food : Army Rations of the Penguin Army.

Favourite Song : Sex Bomb

Favourite Movie: Speed 2. Penguin Control

Favourite Book : The 101 book of flubber butt demolition. Demolition throughout the years. To Kill a Mocking Seal

IQ : High enuff to come up with SSD and other important equipment.

EQ : High enuff to spy. Lowlife enuff to bomb seals and whales.

Hobbies : Anything to do with C4. Pipe Bombs. Whale Bombs. Experimenting bombs with live targets. In his free time, King Penguin likes to smoke sheesha and to hang out with his mates. King is also a die hard fan of Internazionale FC.

Biography: Believed to be responsible for the bombings of several Kali nightclubs frequented by whales and seals, the Jakalta Malliot hotel, the Old York Triplet Towers, Leeshun MRT and many other atrocities. Employed by the Arctic Republic as a sabotage specialist and demolitions expert. Unfortunately, in sabo-school, the one subject he flunked was "Whale Bombs: How to make a big bag of blubber go BOOM!!!". During times of peace. King Penguin is a fire works specialist who works in the National Seal's Day Parade and other events. Bringing joy to hundreds of penguin spectators.

Next: Osama Bin Penguin.

posted by kingkangkong at 11/26/2003 12:00:00 AM

Monday, November 24, 2003

SPECIAL FEATURE

For all the readers wondering about what the hell the irritating pop-up was all about, well the day of reckoning is finally here. You, the readers, have demanded and we at APEC have delivered. For the whole of this week, one character bio will be released daily at noon and one at midnight. This is in a bid to make the readers feel more attached to the characters and to also add depth to their current one-dimensional existence. It also keeps you readers coming back and thus hopefully increasing our hit count for the week...

First up, A Matriarch.. Burdened with the responsibility to protect her species...
OUR LADY PENGUIN



(Face blurred to protect identity against identification by seals. A little too late for that i guess...)

Name: Our Lady Penguin

AKA : M'Lady and O.L.P.

Age: 25

Rank: Queen Of Arctic Republic

Place of Birth : The Arctic Republic

Favourite Fish : Suprisingly, the Queen doesn't like fish. They smell weird to her.

Favourite Song : God Save the Queen (for obvious reasons...)

Favourite Movie: Attack of the Killer Penguins

Favourite Book : "The Theory of Evolution: The Impending Extinction of Whales" by Charles Darkwing

IQ : Very high.

EQ : What the hell is EQ??

Hobbies : Acting cute in front of the Green Peace Bastards and then pecking them. Sentencing seals and whales. A definite death sentence.

Biography: As the only heir to the throne of Arctic Republic, Lady Penguin was forced to take over the ruling of her species when her parents were slaughtered by the military seals. Unable to bear the humiliation that had befallen her, Lady Penguin decided to take revenge on the animals that caused her parents' death. She summoned 5 of her citizens who each specialise in different areas of combat warfare in the hope of bringing down the Navy Seals Empire. God save the Queen!!!

Next: General-at-the-frontline Penguin.


posted by FifaFanSG at 11/24/2003 12:00:00 PM

Friday, November 14, 2003

Palace BloodBath

We were all on the look out for pocket penguin. We were looking out for his return with the glorious booty that was promised. The gay baby whale. We expected an reply from the seals right after pocket penguin's return. We were wrong.
The seal's reply was swifter then we expected. It was a sucker punch. It was more then anything we could expect. They took away the single symbol of penguin power. They took away the OLP.

This is how it happended, as told by me , King Penguin. I should Know, I was there.

1700 hrs: All penguindom's finest soldiers were at the parameters of the parameter.

1800 hrs: All were on the look out for pocket penguin. Safety on all guns were off.

1900 hrs:Dinner was served in the main dinning room of the royal palace. Sushi was on the menue.

1900 hrs:OLP has dinner with various penguin ministers and royalties.

2000 hrs:Dinner ends. OLP heads to her bed chambers with the Penguin Guard 3rd company consisting of the 20 finest bodyguard penguins in the kingdom trained in advance weapons and martial art usuage. This company was lead by me, King penguin.

2100 hrs: Company stands guard within the royal palace. 10 penguin soldiers are situated outside OLP's room. The other 10 were spread through out the main palace compound. Me myself was situated in the palace guard tower.

2200 hrs:Some thing was spotted over the horizon. Its heading towards the palace fast. My fellow combatans shouted "Look, its a bird" "No, its a plane" "No, its seagulls!!!"

2210 hrs: Situation confirmed. Those were seagulls speeding towards the royal palace. Those cunning seals. Its all so clear now. They made a deal with those damn seagulls.

2215 hrs: I cant believe it. Those are actually seals hanging under the seagulls!! Its the dreaded 13th division of the Air Borne calvarly!!! I cant believe it! Those seals are the elite! They are brutual brutual animals! They have no concept of mercy. A defence plan is being thought through. Its gonna take a whole lot of bird brain power. But try we will or die will we.

2220 hrs: Course of action have been decided. Reinforcements have been called. But they will only arrive 40 mins later. Our defence on the palace is paper thin as 99% of our forces are all situated outside the city, preparing for the seal response. We were caught out cold. We never expected anything like this. But try we will.
We managed to gather another 25 penguins. So its up to 46 penguins to protect the queen. There is only 1 place in the palace that the seals could parachute on. The royal gardens. 25 penguin soldiers would be situated there. They shall try, or shall die trying to stop the seals from landing on palace grounds. 10 penguin soldiers will be placed in the corridoor leading up towards the royal chambers. The remaining 10 seals will form the last stand right outside OLP's royal chambers.

2225 hrs: Grenades are dropped from the seagulls onto the royal gardens to clear a landing zone for the seals. We gonna give them hell. Its gonna be one hell of a hot LZ for them. I rallied my troops with words of encouragement. Who will stand ground? Who will fight? Who shall kill? Who shall be remembered? Who shall give them mother fucking seals hell????? PENGUINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2230 hrs: The first seals jumped from the seagulls and float towards the royal palace groungs. Fearless penguins look up towards the sky, and hope their sacrifice would be worth it. With a roar, the brave penguin soldiers charged into the royal gardens and shot towards the sky. Seal blood fell like rain onto the penguins. Feeling penguin bloodlust, the penguins fought like they never fought before.

2235 hrs: We manage to kill off the first wave of Seal landings with some causualties. We even managed to knock out some seagulls. However, the 2nd wave of seal landings were just too strong. Too many seals, too little penguins. We were being overwhelmed. We were being slaugthered. The seals were efficient killing machines. Their aim was dead and true. One shot one kill. Penguins were being slaugthered. I decided that this wouldnt do, calling a retreat, I gathered what remaining penguins I had into the palace to prepare for corridor hand to hand combat.

2240 hrs: Only 5 penguins out of the 25 penguins survived the landing zone encounter. We rushed into the corridor and met at the defence point of the 10 penguins situated there. 16 penguins. Feverishly reloading and getting ready for the envisioned blood bath. God knows how many Seals were in the gardens right know. We were afraid, so very afraid, but fight on we will, fight on bravely we will.

2245 hrs: We can hear the seals laughing, mocking. We can almost smell them. We could smell death. We were ready for it. There was only one thing to do, fuck them fast, fuck them hard. Just fuck them for as long as we can.

2250 hrs: The seals rushed in. Firing their heavy machine guns. We shot back, we shot at anything that moved. There were almost 30 seals in the corridor, we were 16,15,14,13,12,11,10,9,8,7,6 penguins left. Althought they killed many penguin comrades, they will forever remember this day when we killed many of their bastardly brothers. The seals suffered heavy casualties, they now know that penguins dont give up easily! Gathering the last 5 penguins, I retreated into the inner palace. We had no choice, we had to make a last stand. We had dwindling ammo, we had bad injuries but we had courage. Courage will sustain us. Or so I thought. We were going to protect the OLP with our lifes. We had no clue as to what the seals would do to OLP.

2255 hrs: 17 penguins. God knows how many seals. The odds were stacked against us. We dragged furniture and formed a blockade. We reloaded all our weapons. We put on our game faces. We bandaged up our wounds. We got ready to lay our life down. We were penguins staring at death. We knew the game was up, but we aint gonna give up, we were gonna fuck em up!

2300hrs: The seals ran in with guns blazing. We fought back with what we had. Grenades were thrown, dynamites were lit. We were gonna go the whole hog. Our ammo supply was getting low. I shouted to my troops "save ammo! 1 shot 1 kill! make those shots count!" Alas, we fought well, we fought bravely, but the seemingly endless number of seal soliders crushed our morale. No matter how many we killed, there were more. There were like Agent Smiths.

2305 hrs: We had no more ammo. The seals were still comming. Putting on my helmet. I said to my troops " We have to do it the old fashion way I guess. Its gonna be messy. God bless you all. May you all go to penguin heaven" With that, I pulled out my army knife. Those brave penguins, god bless em, followed suit. We were gonna charge. We were gonna use knifes against the seal's cruel cruel guns.
Bellowing the words " God Save the Queen!!" we gathered what courage we had and charged.
Charging, I heard my fellow penguins scream as they went down. I didnt falter, I didnt flinch, I continued to charge.
I laid my eyes on the commander of the seals, he too, was fighting like a seal possessed.
I ran up to him, laid my flippers around him. I stabbed him. I stabbed him again, and again and again. He was resisting me violently, but i stabbed again and again. Only he knew how many times I stabbed him. All of a sudden. He just stopped moving. I did it, I killed the commander, I could now die happy. I got up and looked for more seals to stab. It was easy, there were all around me. I could not see anymore penguins.
Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my shoulder. I hit the floor hard. My world blacked out.










When I woked up. I was in an penguin hospital bed. Apparently the seals left me for dead and the reinforcement only arrived to see the seagulls taking off with the OLP in tow. Well, I didnt die, tought luck seals. The death toll was 45 dead penguins and 108 dead seals. We manage to kill of more then half the Air Borne division. We also managed to kill the commander who hatched this plan.
Citizen Penguin then told me, with an ashen expression on his black and white face, that OLP had not been killed. Instead, she had been kidnapped. Penguindom is at lost.

This is my story. This is the story of the brave penguins of the 3rd Penguin Guard Division and the other 25 other penguins who fought like there was no tomorro. This was the PALACE BLOODBATH

God Save The Queen
posted by kingkangkong at 11/14/2003 02:38:00 AM

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

My heart has been beating uneasily every second after Pocket Penguin left to accomplish his mission. I wish I didn't have to send Pocket to the Navy Seals Camp. It is like sending him to his doom.But someone has to bring the gay baby whale back. Unfortunately for Pocket, it is his fault that we are in such a mess. I would retrieve the whale on my own if I had the choice. But if anything happens to me, what will become of my kingdom? I pray for his safety. I've lost enough of my kind in the war against the seals and I wish to lose no more. I felt so guilty for letting Pocket go. He came to me for enlightenment before starting his threatening two-way journey and I told him that everything would be fine. He will make it. I have faith in my fellow penguins. Pocket may look small and weak but his bird brain is not to be under-estimated. He will think of a way to bring that blubber-butt back.

posted by FifaFanSG at 11/11/2003 10:20:00 PM

MISHEON RECKLAMAYSHEON

General: Do you see yonder cloud that's almost in shape of a camel?
Pocket: By the mass, and 'tis like a camel, indeed.
General: Methinks it is like a weasel.
Pocket: It is backed like a weasel.
General: Or like a whale?
Pocket: Very like a whale.
General: Whale then. Bring the wanker home.

The terse, suspiciously Shakespearian - ("Hamlet" Act 3 scene 2) - sounding conversation called for action.

It involves a high-risk maneuver that must only be attempted by the foremost consummate, skillfully experienced and fearlessly valiant penguin in the flock.

But a stringent selection amongst the creme of our troops was redundant. Yours truly, Pocket-Penguin was alone chosen for the Mission.

Not that I possessed all of the aforementioned qualities. My selection was secured, somewhat ironically, more due to the lack of them.

The sons-of-a-guin at the top figured that since it was my screw up, I should gratefully accept their show of grace in wholly pardoning me, by consigning myself to suicide, erm, I meant, to the appointment of service in "Mission Reclamation".

The appointment ceremony went something like this-

General: You are wholly pardoned. Now face your punishment.
Pocket: I can't quite place my flipper on it, but that doesn't sound quite right.
Citizen: Shaddup and accept "Mission Kamikaze" !
Pocket: Holy kawasaki! No freakin way!
King: (in hushed tones into Citizen's ear) psst.. it's "reclamation"! Diplomacy stoopid!
Citizen: Erm.. I meant "Mission Reclamation"!
Pocket: Ahh.., that I will accept with honor.
General: Very well, set forth with APEC's blessings.
Pocket: What task layeth before me?
General: 3 things. Infiltrate the SEAL's base. Drag flubberbutt back. Survive.
Pocket: Can I just do the third?
Citizen: Can I drop kick your bleached ass?
Pocket: ...

I left the assembly with warm feet and an empty bladder.
"Swat my hind with a mellon rind, That's my penguin state of mind."

Ashen with despair, I sought counsel from Our Lady Penguin-

Lady: Thank you for taking upon you, this onerous, one-way task.
Pocket: One wha?
Lady: May the farce be with you.
Pocket: Thankew m'lady. Yet I reckon I do not have the courage, for I am trice fearful.
Lady: Courage my child, is the resistance to fear; the mastery of fear - not the absence of fear.
(Pocket's finite brain endeavors to assimilate)
Lady: And "fear", by the way, leads to the dark side.
Pocket: That's "beer". Me dad used to say so.
Lady: Your dad lied. Or perhaps, he just hadn't savored Carls'ice'berg.
Pocket: Your wisdom is as vast as the oceans. I am enlightened.

I restfully licked on my favorite vanilla flavored Popsicle as I awaited the dawning of dusk. I was into my fifteen stick as the sun's comforting rays faded into oblivion behind majestic alps, marking the ominous emergence of the black, funereal mist, enveloping the heavens above from north-pole to north-pole.
And the clouds, drifting languidly in the skies as sweet, dreamy candy-floss only moments ago, now took on grave, ominous forms as mighty flocks of ravens circling callously overhead.

Everything around just took on a more depressive shade.

Why oh why did I forget the blasted batts...

I compassed myself in the direction of enemy territory and stepped into the journey of a thousand miles.

Okay, it was a 5-km hike.

I ran towards my destination with a valour I had never before experienced.

I walked...

And walked...

And tripped. And cursed...

And hobbled...

I reached.

Scanning the blardy Seal's base from a concealed vantage point, I camouflaged my entire self with a 2cm layer of snow on me coat and treaded, a la storm trooper, into hostile territory.

I can't believe my luck. I practically sauntered in unnoticed and here I am, standing right next to GBW, whose hut was left unguarded!

Panting and wounded, I saw, within arms reach, the reason for me misery - all 10 foot and 3 tons of it.

I uppercutted the bozo.

"Wake up fag!"
"I'm here to drag your Flubber butt back home"

GBW stirred.

A dreamy eye opened groggily in askance, toward me.
I instantaneously took a swift jab at it with my conical beak.

What the fiack did he think he was staring at?

The eye shut in excruciating reflex.

That's better.

I criminally intimidated GBW into getting his tub-o'-lard frame onto a container truck I spotted parked in a nearby shed.

Once settled in, I revved up the engine and sped off towards home sweet home, in blissful, exultant jubilation.

Completely oblivious to the whinny shrieking by the navy Seals who spotted my retreat.
Nor the fact that i steam rolled a dozen of them en route my escape.
Completely oblivious to the many bullets they planted into the sides and rear of my vehicle - one of 'em pellets actually nailing GBW right smack in the butt.

Those superficial details wouldn't bother me now.

I'm a Hero.


posted by FifaFanSG at 11/11/2003 04:31:00 AM

Friday, November 07, 2003

Like a little penguin at Christmas or Hari Raya or Chinese New Year or Deepavali or any other holiday (Well, i can't be racist and exclude any national holidays, now can i? Especially, not when we penguins are always promoting the virtues of racial harmony...) that you would associate with opening presents or packets of money, i slowly opened the wrapping of the box. (The wrapping paper looked damn nice okay?!!! What's so wrong about reusing wrapping paper?!!!) Ooh... almost there... Woohoo!!! Its open!!! Now.. finally we can see why they sent such a massive box for one penguin. All the other times we ordered for penguin mercenaries, the boxes they came in were way smaller than this one. Gasp!!!! It is NOT a penguin!!! Stupid Peter Penguin!!! He sent me a stupid unshaven whale in a penguin suit and a towel wrapped around its head!!! The bastard!!! I'll get him for this!!! He won't get away with it!!! Oh no, its climbing out of the box!!! It's coming to kill me!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! AAARRRGGGHHH!!! HELP!!! DON'T KILL ME!!! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!! HUH?!!! What happened? I'm still alive... the whale didn't kill me... it's just standing there laughing!!! What's so funny, blubberbutt?!!! After helping me up and allowing me to get myself composed, the surprisingly penguin-friendly oaf related his life story to me (yawn...) and told me how he came to be a penguin convert. Apparently, (and this is the condensed version, unlike the 6 hour rambling that i had to endure) he was born a whale and was named Dale Whale but was disowned by his pod (or group for those not fluent in whalespeak) because he fell in love with a female Middle Eastern penguin and they eloped to Afghanistan together. He then converted to the way of the penguins and changed his name to Osama Bin Penguin. (A great improvement from Dale Whale, if you ask me!!!) Now, he is a penguin mercenary and renders his loyalties to the highest bidder. And the one thing he despises most are his former bretheren, the whales. He is hell-bent on ridding the world of them and at that point, i had a revelation. WE HAVE A WINNER!!! Welcome to APEC, Osama Bin Penguin!!! Glad to have you on board. (P.S. Apparently, the towel is actually something called a turban. Whatever he calls it, it just looks like any old towel to me.)
posted by FifaFanSG at 11/07/2003 12:02:00 AM

Thursday, November 06, 2003

After the previous bungled attempts, I gathered the other penguins and we laid out the blueprints to analyse what the hell went wrong. After berating and hanging the scientists naked over a vat filled with hungy snapping turtles for making an elementary mistake in not including the battery, we got down to the serious business of trying to iron out any flaws in the design of the bomb. After a long and tedious discussion, fueled by several rounds of fresh sushi, sake (maybe a little TOO much) and karaoke, we decided that we needed to retrieve the whale and employ the help of an expert to dissect the whale and fix any loose connections in the bomb. So i picked up the phone and pressed the speed dial for Peter Penguin's Professional Terrorists and Pizza Parlour (Our specialities are authentic Italian pizzas and authentic Afghan terrorists.) and ordered 2 pepperoni pizzas and 1 whale bomb expert, all for under a thousand dollars. Now that's what i called value for money!!! What's more, they ensure delivery within an hour or its free!!! I do hope the delivery guy gets stuck in traffic or something. Yes, yes, i am a cheap bastard... Ding Dong!!! Darn it!!!! He made it in time!!! Nevermind, it better be a grand well spent or i'll sue Peter's ass from here to Timbuktu (Where the hell is that anyway?!!!). Yummy, pepperoni pizza... and this nicely wrapped package must contain our whale bomb expert. Peter said he would send over his best man. I hope this guy is better than the last one we got. That dumbass blew himself up when he lit a cigarette behind the gay baby whale. One fart from the whale and all that was left was well... lets just say it wasn't a pretty sight. Hmm, interesting... The package seems a little too large for just one penguin. That Peter Penguin better not try to overcharge us again. The last time he did that, we nailed his beak to a snowmobile and ran it over a cliff. I bet he knows better than to do that again. But what could be in such a huge package?
posted by FifaFanSG at 11/06/2003 03:18:00 PM