Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Projeck Mobliaxatien.

Penguins as young as 16 months of age shall report for national service. We are going to war. We are fighting the seals. This shall be it. The last battle to settle the fight between good and evil. (Penguins as we know are the perennial good guys while seals are the scum of the universe. Even in a perfect parallel universe)



I find it unbelievable, shocking. The highest order from the highest order of penguindom has been passed. A call to war. I think the higher echelons of our society have lost it. The Penguinski Law ice Inc. The fools , what was chancellor penguin Perlin Penguintissa thinking? Have Eileen-berg pe-ng lost it too?? What about Minister Ice Kurup-guin???? Oh my. Even the normally sensible Senator Icelindic Tan has joined the madness! Hmm, what would Pocket Penguin do if he knew his goddess is nuts as well? Oh my..

Well, since the order has been passed, me King penguin, as a soldier and loyal citizen, shall carry out those orders. Although I can muster the penguin power (man power in penguin terms), I have no idea how we, an inferior force (although an superior species) are going to fight the superior Seal forces (inferior they may be as a species, their army is strong. Its all thanks to the promiscuous nature of the female seals, that's where they get all those fighting seals. They breed like hamsters).

Well, I don't give a shit, it's up to Osama and Citizen to figure out. It's their beaks on the line if they cant come out with a winning game plan. It's practically like gambling show hand in the luxurious Ice Age Casino on the cruise ship the Above one Quarter below 3 quarters HMS.

Well, back to the mobilisation exercise, some of those penguin boys had to be dragged away from their mothers, it was a heart wrenching sight, but we had no choice. For the honour of the queen and our land, we have no choice.

Each penguin soldier has been assigned the following. The 10 Commander-ments and condiments.

1. Beak sharperner- The beak is an important weapon for close range combat. So we need to maintain and sharpen it constantly.

2. Zippo lighter- For melting ice for a refreshing drink!

3. Tummy wax- When highly polished, the tummy becomes an highly efficient self powered transportation device. We penguins slide on our tummies.

4. M16 Snowball Shooter- Wife and most important offensive weapon of the penguin soliders. Shoots fist size snowballs at the rate of 100 balls a min. And ammo is all around us. Snow you idiots!

5. 4 Seasons- or rather the 4 charmed seasons. SALT, PEPPER, PAPRIKA and FIVE SPICE. These are very important. Fish is pretty bland, so we need these seasonings. A war fought on plain fish will drive even the mildest penguin crazy. Its all good. All good.

6. Nike Air Zoom Flipper slippers- The best footwear for penguins. For swimming, hiking, fighting or fishing. It allows penguin soldiers to JUST DO IT.

7. RayBan Shades- Sunlight in the arctic is pretty harsh and glaring. Not to mention we look uber cool in em. Just like Penguin Cruise in Penguin Is Possible 2.

8. Seal Fart Mask- To protect against the disgusting tactic that the seals use to drive off penguins. They fart like no other animal on this earth I tell you. Truly disgusting mammals.

9. Portable Radio- To listen to God Save the Queen to motivate the soldiers and for them to listen to their favourite bands like Ice Theater, Ice Maiden, Ice Berg Park, No Penguin Doubt and perhaps a little Red Hot Chilli Penguins.

10. Water Pistol- A strong stream of water shot into any seal eye is gonna render it cocked eyed. A joke of a weapon not to be laughed at!


Basically, that's all that's going to help our boys go through the war. Granted, its not much, but its all Penguindom's budget can afford. We need to increase the GDP.


Any penguin who is not willing to go to war shall be detained in the detention barracks where they will have to keep Pussy (those who know who pussy is raise up your hands!) company. I think thats tougher then fighting a war if you ask me. Its ghastly. That pussy.


Oh , and did I mention all our equipment are made for right flipper use only? Cause we don't want the polar bears to poke their nosey black noses into our business! It's a fact that all polar bears are left-handed. Our equipment would be useless to them.


All snowmobiles are being cleaned up and serviced. We want to go to war nice and shiny. The artillery guns are being repaired; shells are being produced around the clock too. We gonna pound them dead. You get the idea? War? Weapons? Macho Penguins and all.

For this campaign, we have roped in our foreign friends for help. The Democratic Republic of Autocratic Flamingos of Latin America has promised us some birds to form our very own Penguin Air Borne Division to rival the Alliance between Seal and seagull. It didn't come easy tho. We had to promise their autocratic and very horny leader Flamengo Hung that Penguinfer Lopez would be available to him for his use. What is this use? I don't have to say it do I?

But, herein lies the problem. Them damn flamingos are pink in colour. Something must be wrong with their genes. I mean, black , white and a little yellow is the rage nowadays! Pink is so last Revolution age. But with the immense bird brain power of the penguins, we manage to overcome this problem. We made these damn flamengos white suits. They look damn sharp in them. Almost as good looking as us penguins..almost. They were design by Ice-Paul- Gaulatiecial. The best apparel designer we have.

Well, i have have much to do. Talk later.






3 weeks lapse in a blink of an eye.





The penguin army has marched to the gates of Minas Sealrith. The dreaded Seal capital. We can see the twin towers from here. Seal HQ. That's our target.


We wait with abated breath. We clutch our M16 snowball shooters tight. We make one last equipment check. The flamingos are warming up. Flapping all over the place.


We wait for the signal from General penguin to start the Calvary charge.
He screams: CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With a cry, all of the combined forces rush towards the gates. We can see the seals, they are afraid! Yes!!! We are 100 meters away.


70 Meters away! We can see them opening their gates! They are sending out troops!


50 Meters away! So close! We get our beaks ready for the expected melee!


30 Meters away! Those seals are fixing their bayonets! They are soooo close!!!


10 Meters now! I can SMELL THEM!!! DIE YOU BITCHES!!! DIE DIE DIE!!!


5 METERS NOW! LET ME HAVE HIM! THEY ARE ALL MINE!!! ARGH!!! FOR THE QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!!


2 METERS! Oh my god! I RAISE MY BEAK FOR THE FIRST STAB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FIRST KILL! FIRST BLOOD!!!














King's world turns blur....











Who will win the war?









King awakes from his dream. He has been in a coma for 3 weeks. He is awaken violently by non-other then the also injured citizen penguin. As king tries to adjust to his surroundings with the pounding in his head and the constant shaking by citizen, he hears only 1 thing. It puzzles him greatly. Well, there will be time to figure out what Citizen said. It sounded ridiculous. He said something about flying.....dumb ass.




" wake up King! I know at last how we can make penguins fly!"

King could hardly believe his ears.













posted by kingkangkong at 3/09/2004 11:49:00 PM